Saturday, March 12, 2011
How do I?
So lately I've been thinking about all the "wants" I try to accomplish and how I beat myself up when I can't do them. In November I "wanted" to start making jewelry. I had this amazing idea it was something I could do at night or when Kevin was napping it would be a great income and I could stop working. So for about 2 weeks straight I stayed up making jewelry, but then I felt guilty because I was losing out on Ken and I time, I was dedicating jewelry making time instead of house cleaning time, and family time. So I stopped. A year and a half ago I started this blog to help my family and friends (and potentially new ones) keep up with our lives since we are so far away now. A friend of mine from school had a great blog which I loved reading so I figured hey that's a great idea especially since I found out I was pregnant I thought I could share in all the great going ons of our lives. Well, I don't post as much as I would like. Not even a fraction of my ideas end up being blogged about. How do I? How am I able to work full time, keep a clean house, provide time for my husband, have family time, make time for myself and still be able to blog, work out, and so many other things I feel like suffer. I wish I could not work, I wish I could stay at home and make time for all of the things and when I see other women able to do it all I'm amazed. What is it that's suffering in their lives? Ken commented today that he would like to see me stop working by the end of the summer but the truth is I love where we have come financially and I love the opportunities we have because of the extra income. We have been able to pay off debt, take vacations, save money and so much more and I feel that if I stop working and we're not able to do those things any longer...it's my fault. How do I fight this guilt? How do I get over this feeling of needing and wanting to provide more for my family? Which that right there is a loaded question because even though I feel the way I do about working and making money I still feel guilty because of it. I WANT to stay home and spend my days with JUST my son. I love what I do but at the same time I still feel torn.
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Meshelle you have the biggest heart. I can't answer for you, but I can tell you how I came to my decision. I followed my heart that I want to be home with Ferris (and the next baby) until they're in school. I made a list of all the things I would sacrifice to do so. Camping and beach trips instead of cruises. Share a car. Don't get my hair done. Make grocery shopping/meal planning as cheap as I can, etc. Blake agreed and knowing I had his full support meant the most. I think if you have accomplished your goals of paying off debt, maybe a nice little nest egg for emergencies and you can make it on Ken's income alone, than follow your heart. And most of all, Pray. Also, WIC and Food Stamps are helpful!
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Good luck and I love your honesty in this post.