Looking back

I was going through my hope chest yesterday trying to downsize and I came across some of my old notebooks that I used to write in. I used to write all of my feelings down and started to wonder why I don't do that anymore. I turned to blogging because I thought it would be the same but for obvious reasons it's not. Obviously a lot more people are able to read this than my tucked away notebooks. There are more chances for judgment and criticism.  The stuff I wrote about was so personal and a lot of it had to do with traumatic experiences I went through. Stuff that only a few people know about. I also found some of the songs and stories that I wrote and it's amazing to me how angry I used to be. It's also amazing to me how I don't even recognize that person anymore. I read those stories and I feel so bad for that lost little girl who had gone through so much. There is a part in a movie called "Drop Dead Fred" where the grown up version of the main character goes back and hugs her child self. Sometimes I wish I could do that. I know that I turn out o.k and I wouldn't trade my life for anything but back then I was so lost and I think a hug would have done wonders. I look at my life now and I can't help but thank God for the things he helped me get through. I can still sometimes see the effects of these traumatic experiences though and it scares me.  I remember telling Ken when I first found out I was pregnant that I was scared I was going to have a girl and when he asked why I told him that I didn't want anything to happen to her like they did to me. I'm still afraid of the dark, of being home alone and I occasionally have nightmares. I have flashbacks that scare me and if Ken and I are arguing I shut down emotionally sometimes. I can be anxious, and over protective. I also almost always think the worst is going to happen. However, I have been able to stay in a stable relationship. I have been able to be happier than I think I have ever been and although these things cross my mind occasionally it's not every day like it once was. Not only do I not think about them every day but I also handle it better when they do. I think about my life now, and I somewhat say to myself... I made it. I can continue to make it because I am strong. I am so much stronger than I once was and I thank Ken, my Dad, Kevin, so many others in my family and I thank God.