In Memory of my nephew Carson.

Carson Lee Armes

March 24th, 2009- May 30th, 2009

Today marks the one year anniversary of when my nephew Carson passed away. I wrote this poem late last night.

I was there the day you were born, my little Carson Lee.

I took your first pictures and held you tight, my heart was full of glee.

Such a beautiful and precious baby, a bundling gift from God.

So happy and content you were, and everyone was awed.

We knew you were amazing, you melted all our hearts.

We never could imagine we would ever be apart.

I remember when I heard the news, I fell to the ground and cried,

I couldn't even fathom someone so young had died.

You blessed us with your presence for exactly 76 days,

You blessed us with your presence in so many different ways.

We still can not believe you're gone, not even after a year,

and as I write this and think of you I can feel a lonely tear.

We hope you're looking down on us our angel from above.

We can still feel you all around, and hope you feel our love.

Please know how much we love you, and miss you every day.

Look down on us from heaven and listen as we pray.

We may never know why, you were taken from us here,

But we find comfort in knowing you're with our Lord up there.

My nephew says the darndest things

While in Idaho (don't worry there will be a big post about our trip once I get home and can accompany it with pictures) We spent a lot of time with my nephew Adam, A.K.A my bubba. He turned 3 in February and is such an amazing and sweet little boy. He is one of my best friends, and Ken and I both have so much fun with him. Just to give you some insight into how cute and imaginitive he is I wanted to post just a portion of the very adorable and cute things he said while in Idaho with him.

• While I was nursing Kevin he came into the bedroom and asked with an inquisitive look "Shell, you feeding the baby with your boobie?" Which I then explained yes, that's where the baby gets his milk from. He then said "I want to feed the baby with my boobies" That was a little tougher to explain.
• After the above incident he sat beside me on the bed, and upon seeing the stretch marks on my side asked why I have stripes.
• While we were in Idaho my Dad was helping my Grandpa install a sprinkler system, so one morning after Adam woke up he looked out the window to see dirt, holes, torn up grass, and equipment. He turned to my sister and said "Momma, is Bob the Builder almost done?"
• After my Grandpa explained to him one day that when I was little I was scared of monsters in the basement at their house, that night he came into my room and turned on the lamp. He said "There you go shell the monsters won't get you now." I smiled and said "thanks bubba" He turned just as he got to the door and replied "anytime."
• At the babies blessings (Kevin's and my baby brother Kaleb's) he went out into the hall and got a drink of water from the drinking fountain all by himself. Which he was very proud of. During Kevin's blessing I was crying a little and when he noticed the water running down my cheek he wiped it away and asked if I too had gotten water all by myself.
• One day while driving to my Mom's I looked back and saw he was basically asleep, I asked if he was sleeping and he nodded yes. My sister and I laughed and from the back we hear "thats not apposed to happen.

Not only did he say the most adorable things but he was also the sweetest boy to his new baby cousin "Kewin". When the baby was on the floor he would gently rub his head, give him kisses and want to hold his hands. Whenever the baby was crying he would want to try to give him is binky.Or he would inform me that I needed to change the baby, that he had peed or pooped. He also asked to hold his baby cousin at least 5 times a day. When he saw Ken and I packing he asked if we were getting ready to go back into the bushes (which is where he says we are when we're gone) we explained that Ken was going but that I was going to Grandma Alese's and he was going to see me again in a few days. He then left the bedroom crying and went to my sister who was holding the baby and told her he didn't want us to take his baby cousin away. He is such a sweet boy!! I can't wait to post pictures of the two of them.

Taking a little trip!!

Saturday we are leaving for our first family trip. All 3 of us will be flying from Norfolk, VA to Salt Lake City, UT, where we will stay with my Aunt for the night. Then my Mom (B) is picking us up and we will be staying back and forth between her house and my different grandparents. On the 21st my Dad, and siblings along with my nephew will be driving down to Idaho so it's basically like a family reunion on my Dad's side. Ken and I are so excited to be going on a plane ride together the last one we took was when we went to Washington in 2006 where he proposed to me. It's funny because we have taken plenty of trips back home but not together due to leave not being approved on time to get us on the same flight or money issues. We are very happy that Ken's leave got approved and there were still seats available on my flight this time. It will be nice to have an extra pair of hands since this is the first time we will be flying with the baby and don't really know what to expect. Unfortunately Ken only had 2 weeks of leave to take so when we fly out of Salt Lake City (the closest big airport to where our Idaho family lives) on the 27th he will be flying home, baby and I will be flying to Portland. Then my Mom (A) will pick us up and we will spend that 4 day weekend with her. Then back and forth between my dad's and sister's once they finish their Idaho trip. Then baby and I will be flying back to Norfolk on the 5th. Whew... obviously a lot of planning went into this trip. And it's not stopping. Tomorrow little Kevin is having another check up to make sure his heat rash is clearing up o.k, that his ears aren't congested ( this could cause a lot of discomfort for him on the flight if they are) and I'm also going to ask about some reflux issues he seems to be having lately. So far to prepare for us leaving we have baby all the way packed, a duffel bag with 7 warm weather outfits (short sleeved shirts and shorts) and 7 cold weather outfits (long sleeved shirts and pants), 7 pajamas, a heavy jacket, his co-sleeping bed which is what he will be sleeping in (also doubles as a changing area). About 16 pairs of socks, his sandals, tennis shoes, 2 burp rags, his fuzzy blankey to lay on while he's on the floor, his first aid kit and toiletries, 12 diapers (we will buy a pack when we get there) and some baby wash cloths with his hooded towel. And that's just his duffel bag. His diaper bag that we will be carrying on has 12 diapers, his soft pirate blankey, his hospital blanket (these are mostly for me to cover up with if I decide to nurse in the airport or on the plane), an extra outfit of each type of weather, wipes, small thing of powder, desitin, 3 small burp cloths (he has been spitting up more lately) 2 pairs of socks, his health record book and his vitamins. It's also basically going to double as my purse so it will have my wallet, some snacks for Ken and I, and most likely an extra top for me and Ken just in case, and the snugli carrier. We still have to get some extra binkys since he only has one and the 2 oz prepared similac formula bottles to take on the flight. We are also bringing the stroller along with his car seat. He knew that such a little person would have so much stuff!!! I don't think going there will be an issue but it might be hell getting it home all by myself! Oh well, I know this trip is going to be sooo worth it!

Mommy & Baby

I was able to snap some pictures while working today of me and baby Kevin. I think they turned out pretty darn cute!! Still can't tell if he looks more like me or Ken.

Nursing woes no longer

About a week and a half ago I was having a really hard time with nursing. The baby was going through a horrendous growth spurt and was wanting to nurse for hours on end. When I decided I was going to breast feed I had this vision in my head of sitting down for a few minutes, nursing, burping and whala I'm done. I also wanted to exclusively breast feed. At the hospital we actually needed to supplement because since Kevin had swallowed his meconium it made him very sick the first two days and my colostrum wasn't even in yet, the Dr's were worried about his nutrition. So even though he was still nursing for the sake of getting my milk to come in we did have to formula feed. This was really upsetting to me because not only did my birth plan get cheated by having to have a C-section, now the way I wanted to feed my child was getting changed. I vowed once my milk came in it would be strictly breastfeeding. Then I got home and realized it involves a lot more than a few minutes. I also discovered that being bigger breasted has some disadvantages when it comes to nursing. For the first two weeks everything seemed to be going o.k, he was nursing for about 15-20 min every 2-3 hours. I realized there is only one position called the football hold that is really comfortable for me to nurse in. The other positions are hard to get settled into and are hard to manipulate my breasts to work with. I also realized electric pumps are not our friends, and are made for smaller women. I had planned on pumping so Ken could share in the feedings, the bonding they provided, and could help in the mornings or provide an occasional relief bottle. However, pumping led to soreness, it was difficult to get the suction to stay no matter what shield I tried, and it yielded little results (barely an ounce each breast) which meant by the time the baby was hungry Ken would have to use the little milk I pumped to feed Kevin since I was still sore and sometimes he would still be hungry. Which I would then be frustrated. I loved the bonding nursing was providing for the baby and I and beyond the not being able to pump and the positioning everything else was going fine. It seemed as though he was getting the nutrition he needed and he seemed content after each feeding. Into the third week things changed dramatically. He went through a growth spurt and was wanting to nurse for hours, which would essentially drain my breasts, and he wasn't getting satisfied. I know that nursing is usually a supply and demand system but for some reason (probably stress, lack of sleep and lack of nutrition) my system was not catching up to the demand. He literally nursed for almost 2 hours and 20 minutes one night, and every time he unlatched and I went to burp him he frantically searched for the breast, sucking at his fingers and acting as if he was starving. I manually tried to see if after over 2 hours I was expressing anything and nothing came out. I was drained, exhausted and frustrated. My baby seemed like he was starving and once again my body wasn't cooperating with what I wanted it to do. I broke down, I bawled like I have never cried before. Ken felt horrible and tried to talk me into feeding him some formula, I at first resisted but then after 20 more minutes of unsuccessful nursing I gave in. One ounce was all it took to make our little man happy, he fell right to sleep afterward and didn't wake up for 5 1/2 hours. I still felt horrible. Society makes us feel as though formula is poison and that to be the BEST mom you must breast feed. And after talking to my biological mom and sister that was the vibe I got from them too. Then I went to work one evening for one of my childcare clients. She asked how things were going and I broke down and told her the problems I was having. She told me that nursing and formula feeding is, according to her pediatrician about a 50/50 thing. And it's very common for a lot of woman to do both. She made me feel a lot better. As long as my baby was getting nutrition that was the important thing. The next day I talked to my mom "A" who only formula fed her babies. She also made me feel a lot better. I was trying and I was giving it my all, which is a lot more than some people can say. Some don't even try, but here I was pouring my heart into nursing. She made me realize that stress and frustration can have a lot to do with unsuccessful nursing. That I needed to just relax and if I needed to occasionally give the baby a formula bottle not to stress about it. It happens. I was mostly breastfeeding and he was getting the benefits from it. So I stopped stressing... and guess what happened? BAM... hello Dolly!!! My milk supply came in full affect!!! Since then the baby seems happy after each feeding, I can actually hear him gulping down milk, which before I did for maybe the first 30 seconds. But now I know he is getting what he needs. And if Ken wakes up with him on the weekends and feeds him formula so I can sleep in, I don't stress about it. And at night when we get ready for bed I nurse for about 10 min and top it off with 2 ounces of formula and he sleeps like a champ... I don't stress about it. He is still mostly nursing and is still getting the great benefits it provides. Plus we still get to enjoy the bonding it creates but this time without the small resentment I was starting to feel, not towards the baby, but to myself for not being able to provide and for feeling like a failure. I know my baby is happy and healthy and that's what matters most!!

One month old!!

My little Kevin Riley turned one month old yesterday!! Saturday he had his one month check up. Here are some stats on our little man.

Weight 10 lbs 2 oz- 75th percentile
Height 22 inches- 75th percentile
Head Circumference 15 inches- 50th percentile

Milestones and fun facts so far:

• Coos occasionally, usually after he his fed and changed. At exactly 2 weeks he cood what sounded exactly like a "hi".
• 3 weeks and 6 days rolled over successfully 5 times from tummy to back
• Started inch-worming around 2 weeks. He no longer sleeps in his sleep position-er because every time we would wake up he would either be scooted to the very top of it or at the very bottom.
• He still sleeps in his pack and play next to our bed.
  
• Has an amazing night time schedule down, goes in his bed between 10 & 1030 (Daddy feeds him his night time bottle of formula) wakes up between 330 and 4, stays up for about an hour, nursing and snuggling. He then goes back down until 7 nurses for 5-10 min then falls back asleep for 2 to 3 more hours.
• Day time schedule is getting pretty good too, nurses between every 3-4 hours. (YAY no more growth spurt where he wanted to nurse for hours at a time)
• Will take his binky more and more.
• Is getting to love his swing a lot more, and has even fallen asleep in it twice.
• Is loving his baths more and more, if he is screaming or fussing and we put him in his tub he immediately stops. Also when he bathes he always props his right leg off of the tub sling and has to have it in the water. Ken likes to comment how he is just like me and has to have his feet warm. I always have to plug the tub while showering to have water on my feet so they're not cold haha!!
• His eyes are still blue!!! YAY!!
  

There are so many other things I could tell you about him, how is cries are different and what each one means, how much he loves to snuggle, how every time he hears his daddy talk he looks around for him, and so much more!! I can't believe this time has flown by so fast!!